Wearing a mask.
Masks are a curious thing. They are used to disguise identities, sometimes for health, sometimes for fun, and other times for more nefarious purposes. They present a carefully designed façade created for the sole purpose of presenting an illusion to conceal an identity. Masks may be beautiful or grotesque, simple or ornate, yet they all hide what is underneath.
This year is a bit of a milestone for me as I am completing my 10th year of teaching. In that time, I have lived in Alaska, Wyoming, Montana, and Minnesota. I have taught everything from preschool to grade 12 while earning a Master's in Education and a second bachelor's degree. I have written and published a book as well.
I tell you these things not to brag because I could not have done any of it without the grace of God, but to try to show how these experiences have become a mask that I wear.
On paper, I am an experienced and highly qualified teacher. In the classroom, I am a relational teacher invested in the well-being and progress of each of my students. But, in the privacy of my own heart and mind, I have a vastly different perspective.
Often I feel like a fraud. I feel like all of my accomplishments, all of my skills are just part of the mask covering who I really am. If they could only see the “real” me – the one filled with swirling insecurities and second-guesses – they would realize my accomplishments are nothing more than a flimsy smokescreen.
As I wrap up year ten, I have been reflecting on all of my negative, positive, and corrective experiences. And I have come to realize that I am a very different person than I was ten years ago. My skills and abilities as a teacher have grown tremendously but so too have my insecurities and depression. Teaching – one of my greatest strengths – is also the source of my crippling vulnerability.
Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy—dwell on these things.
~Philippians 4:8 (CSB)
But what is true? What is real? I recall doing an Elizabeth George study called Loving God with All Your Mind many years ago, and the one thing that remains with me is her commentary on Philippians 4:8. In this verse, Paul tells his listeners to think about what is true. George put a new perspective on it for me when she asked – what is real?
It is true and real that I have taught for ten years.
It is true and real that I have a diagnosis of depression.
It is true and real that God has provided for me and guided me throughout each season.
It is true and real that I struggle with doubt and insecurity.
It is true and real that I am a good teacher.
It is true and real that I am not defined by what I do. My worth does not come from my job or my accomplishments. This is the mask I wear, though. I have worn it so well for so long that I now believe I am what I do, but this is neither true nor real.
It is time to remove the mask and be who God created me to be. It is time to take God at His word that I am precious and loved (Isaiah 43:4), that He sees every part of me (Psalm 139), and that I am His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10). He has not rejected me for all my vulnerability and weakness.
By removing the mask, I no longer hide my vulnerability and weakness and accept that these things are part of me just as much as my skills, talents, and gifts. I can honor God for creating me to be me and trust that He will work His power out through even my weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9).
What mask are you wearing today?
