Returning and Rebuilding

 “For it was you who created my inward parts;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I will praise you because I have been 

remarkably and wondrously made.

Your works are wondrous, and I know this very well.”

~Psalm 139:13-14 (CSB)

The tire didn't look right.  I angled my head slightly; it still didn't look right.  I grabbed the pressure gauge and checked the air pressure in all the tires.  The tire was definitely not right.  It was the weekend and COVID-19 times, so business hours were slim everywhere.  I found two tire stores nearby that were open for a few hours yet.  The first one I left in frustrated tears because nobody could help me.  I should have clued in then.  Frustrated tears?  Those things are always a warning sign.  

The second tire store was able to get me in that afternoon and check things over.  The salesperson called me up and gave me the great news – not only can they not patch my tire, but I would have to replace all of my tires to fix the problem.  He explained why, and it made sense, but remember the frustrated tears from earlier?  The salesperson told me the news, and I had to ask for a minute.  The minute turned into several as I rushed outside and fell to the sidewalk around the corner and proceeded to have a full-on panic attack.  It was the cost.  It was frustration.  It was pent up exhaustion.

It was my depression back in full force.

I had been in counseling for about one and a half months at this point because I could tell earlier last fall that I needed to start working on things again.  But the episode with the tire pushed things over the edge.  I spiraled down, further and further every day.  I'd find a breath of fresh air and spiral down yet again.  I likened the experience to being on a roller coaster of emotion.  Roller coasters have never been a favorite of mine.  

This was November.  Waking up each day to the heavy weight of living was not getting easier.  What made this time even more frustrating was that I was working so hard at managing the depression.  I was tracking water and food, moods and energy.  I had a daily checklist for just taking care of basic things like eating.  I was in counseling.  I was exercising (sometimes), November knocked me off my routine big time on that one.  And life itself was just overwhelming.

This low point was also a turning point.  It forced me to re-evaluate my priorities.  What was I spending time doing?  What was I focusing on?  Where was my energy going?  How was I recharging?  Was going on anti-depressants going to be that big of a deal?

Ultimately, I had to slow down.  I had to put my second job on hold.  I had to stop writing for my blog; my creativity and inspiration weren’t there anyways.  Naps became my priority on the weekends.  Taking off items on my daily and weekly to-do list was a must.  Returning to a Bible reading and study routine was slow and intentional.  I’m still rebuilding my study and prayer routines.  I was not speaking to God for a few weeks there, and I had to work through that with Him.  There are still some blocks up that I am working on with Him.  I went on anti-depressants.  I talked to my counselor more.  

I had to accept that I have depression.  There is something in my mind and body that is not cooperating at the moment.  I want to know why and to be able to fix it.  Underlying this desire is the deeper need to accept what is and not criticize or judge myself for being less than I would like to be.  

Then I hold these thoughts up to the mirror of God’s Word.  In Psalm 139, the psalmist writes,

For it was you who created my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I will praise you because I have been remarkably and wondrously made.  Your works are wondrous, and I know this very well” (Ps. 139:13-14).

God created me.  He knows how my body and mind work better than any doctor or counselor.  God knows how living in a fallen world has changed things inside of me.  He still created me; therefore, I am remarkably and wondrously made.  I say, "I am broken."  God says, "You are my remarkable work of art."  

I struggle with the truth of God’s Word.  My heart cries out for the peace and beauty His Word reveals, while my mind shies away from the illuminating truth.  Why is it so hard to accept God’s truth?  Why would I rather believe that I am broken and damaged or an outright mistake than the truth that I am God’s workmanship, wonderfully made, His living work of art? 

The answers are manifold, I'm sure.  Thankfully, God does not turn away from my doubts and fears and insecurities though.  He has searched me and knows every part of my heart, mind, and soul.  The verses in Romans 8 speak beautifully to this idea:

In the same way the Spirit also helps us in our weakness, because we do not know what to pray for as we should, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with unspoken groanings.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because he intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. (Rom. 8:26-27).

How wonderful is it to know that God who knows and loves every part of our being also has His Spirit interceding for us?  God knows what we need even better than us.

I leave you with a final thought: do not give up.  In the midst of the struggle, do not stop fighting.  Hope can be hard to come by.  Life may feel heavy and burdensome.  But God is not done with you yet.  Take the time to stop and reprioritize for that season.  Take the rest you need as you begin to rebuild your life in the light of God’s truth.  And keep returning to God every day.