I am too…
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is perfected in weakness.”
~2 Corinthians 12:9 (CSB)
I am too sensitive – emotional – tired – overwhelmed – unimportant – unnoticeable – broken – and weak. And if the “I’m too much” idea isn’t bad enough, it is often followed by its friend, “I’m not enough.”
Does this happen for you too? Do the “I’m too much” or “I’m not enough” ideas run through your head on an all too frequent basis?
This past month has been filled with far too many of these thoughts of mine. My current murky mess of depression, big life decisions, and a financial scare has left my mind ripe for precisely these kinds of thoughts. The negative ideas do not help in managing depression or making any kind of decision. They cause me to second-guess myself at every turn. I am a mess of confusion, contradiction, and frustration. My inner-voice is drowning out every other voice of guidance, wisdom, or peace.
Do you notice what's missing, though? God – His peace, His guidance, His wisdom, His voice. I have become so wrapped up in trying to control my life, mind, and decisions that I have not felt God's peace. I have left Him out of the decision-making process.
Last weekend, after financial scare #279 (or thereabouts), I desperately clung to my memories of God's previous provision for me. The situation was one that I saw no way out of and could not figure out how it happened in the first place. (There is absolutely a reason why I teach reading and English and not math.). My initial response was, “How could I find myself here again? I am so stupid.” My next response was along the lines of, “God has certainly helped me out of tough spots before, surely He will do so again. I’ve tried to be so careful.” But a little voice still whispered, “Maybe He’s tired of helping you out of your messes. What makes you so special?”
I was tired, emotional, and frustrated. My feelings only got worse as the week progressed. By Friday, I was a wreck. I wasn't sleeping well, I was running into work issues, and I had to filter my words carefully so they didn't say what I was actually thinking. As per usual, I called my mom on my way home from work. Here was the first bright spot of the week. She had figured out my financial issue and quite literally turned it all the way around from being a disaster into a source of provision. The relief was astounding.
There was still a problem, though, that this financial scare had highlighted for me. I haven't been trusting God with the issues in front of me. In my negativity, I think that things will always be this way, and there's not really any hope for anything different. So, I haven't been turning to God for help or His peace.
While reading Mark Batterson’s Whisper, I was seriously convicted by one of the book's last pages. Batterson wrote, “All our identity issues are fundamental misunderstandings of who God is” (184). He lists a series of issues and how they reflect what we actually believe about God ending with, “Trust issues are a misunderstanding of God’s goodness.” We fail to trust God with our issues or with ourselves because we forget He is good and intends good towards us.
I haven’t been trusting God with my perceived weaknesses – my emotions, my sensitivity, my depression, my feelings of insignificance and invisibility, my confusion. I have forgotten that it is in these very spaces that God is most likely to show up. In my Bible, 2 Corinthians 12:1-10 is titled “Sufficient Grace.” It is in this section we see Paul’s confession of “a messenger of Satan” that had been tormenting him, his “thorn in the flesh” (v.7). Paul had pleaded with the Lord three separate times to remove this issue. But God had replied to Paul, “‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness’” (v. 9). How completely beautiful and good and convicting.
According to Thayer's Greek Lexicon, the phrase "is perfected" in verse 9 means to be made complete or perfect. Specifically, it is adding to a thing (or person) that is "yet lacking" to make that thing (or person) full and complete. We can best witness God's power in our weaknesses because He empowers us to do what we certainly cannot do on our own. Danny Gokey sings a song called “More Than I Could Be” that I absolutely love. This song speaks to this very idea that we are only so much on our own, but it is God who makes us more. He sings, “I know on my own, I’m only so much/But with You, I’m everything.”
The negativity of our thoughts damages us. It weakens us mentally, physically, and spiritually. We cannot continue in this pattern of negativity and hope to not only be blessed but also to be a blessing. By persisting in negative patterns, we miss out on God’s goodness. So, what if we tried to flip the perspective? What if we looked at the negative thoughts of “I’m too much” and “I’m not enough” and asked instead, “Where can God meet me in this weakness? Where can He fill me up? Where do I need God to complete me? Where do I need to see God’s goodness?”
I guarantee you, God, who sings over you (Zeph 3:17), who calls you precious and honored and loved (Isa. 43:4) and who died for you (John 3:16, 19:30), will meet you in your need and fill you to overflowing with Himself.
As we close, may this prayer from Paul be a blessing to you: “I pray that you, being rooted and firmly established in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the length and width, height and depth of God’s love, and to know Christ’s love that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:17b-19) (my emphasis).
