Undergoing heart work.
Is there anything more terrifying than removing that mask you hide behind, the disguise you show the world to protect your inner self?
A few days ago, I spent a large part of my day engaging in good, but hard conversations, the kind that peels back the layers and requires vulnerability and honesty. These conversations deepened my relationships with the people to whom I was speaking. They eased tensions, offered new perspectives, and grew our understanding of one another.
Most of the results of these conversations have been good, but there have been some unexpected effects. I had not anticipated just how vulnerable I was going to have to get. It felt like I was re-opening wounds, but it showed me more clearly where I need to direct my attention.
Opening up the way I did, did not feel good, even if the results were positive. My stomach was in knots, and I did not fall asleep easily for several days following the conversations. There was still an underlying worry about how I was received in that vulnerable space. I had to trust the people I was talking with to hold what I was giving them gently and without judgement.
Any process of healing and growing will take time. If I claimed a broken bone, at least people could see the injury and be more sympathetic to the healing process. But my wounds are not visible. They are wounds of the mind and soul, and for the most part, I can hide them well. It is in hiding, though, that healing is hindered.
Engaging in the difficult discussions broken open the hiding places filled with my vulnerabilities, my insecurities, and the lies that I believe. Everything spilled out to face the light of day. These are not easy things for me to face, and I felt very fragile and broken afterward.
The question becomes, what do I do next? Do I go back into hiding after going through all that work to be vulnerable? Do I leave that inner part of myself exposed? How do I combat the lies I’ve believed for years, the lies that feed my insecurities? My head knows what I should believe, but my heart has a much harder time accepting it.
Since early in my university days, one passage of Scripture has consistently stood out to me when I’m feeling vulnerable. Psalm 139. I encourage you to read this psalm in its entirety. It is beautiful and tender, comforting to me on many levels. For my purposes today, I'll focus in on a few verses from the beginning.
“You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.” (Psalm 139:1, NIV)
There are times when I feel unknown and unseen. Those moments bring feelings of hopelessness, frustration, and sadness. At other times, I purposefully hide some aspect of myself, afraid that I will be rejected, laughed at, or ignored. This first verse of Psalm 139 is always a needed reminder that God does know me inside and out. My deepest thoughts, secret hopes, hidden passions – they are not hidden from God. He knows me and sees me. I can be vulnerable with God without fear of His reaction because His reaction will always be to love me.
“You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.” (139:2-3)
In my recent conversations, I needed to reveal some of my thoughts that have long been held quiet and hidden, known only to myself. These thoughts are rather negative and are actually lies that I believe about myself for one reason or another. They are part of my wounds that need healing. This verse reminds me that God knows those thoughts too; I cannot hide any part of myself from Him. Oddly enough, this does not scare me. It is a relief that God knows because I also know that He will lead me in healing as I replace those lies with truth.
“Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.” (139:4)
The words we speak can either bring life or death. The words that God gives us are life-giving, leading us to truth and eternal life in Him. The words I speak over myself are often not life-giving. My inner mental critic loves to tear me down and remind me of all those lies that tell me I am too much, too little, or just plain worthless. But again, God knows these words as well. I have hope in this because as I turn to God with my words, He can transform my mind, heart, and soul so that life gushes out in all I say and think.
“You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.” (139:5)
Verse 5 reminds me so much of St. Patrick’s prayer about the surrounding, all-encompassing presence of Christ.
“…Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down…”
(Retrieved from https://www.worldvision.org/christian-faith-news-stories/reflection-st-patrick-day-prayer.)
On the days I feel vulnerable and insecure, the days I feel less than the woman God made me be, the days when I wonder what on earth I am doing, those are the days that I can bring this truth to mind. God completely surrounds me. I cannot escape His love or His presence, no matter how unlovable or alone I feel. My feelings are not the truth here. The Passion Translation provides another interpretation of this verse:
“You’ve gone into my future to prepare the way,
and in kindness you follow behind me
to spare me from the harm of my past.
With your hand of love upon my life,
you impart a blessing to me.”
I love the reminder of God’s kindness in my life and the image of His hand of love imparting blessings on me.
My friends, I pray that when the days come that cause you to doubt and your insecurities to loom large, you turn all of your thoughts, words, and actions over to God. He already knows. You don't need to be afraid or feel ashamed; let God's love surround you because He still calls you His child and loves you indescribably. God knows you inside and out, He is familiar with all your ways, He knows every word you speak, and always, He surrounds you with His presence and His love. Ask Him to remind you of the truth – God is love, and He loves you.
