Lent 2022: Repentance

Read: Hosea 6:1-3

This blog post was supposed to have been written in February; it’s the end of March.  It was supposed to have posted at least two weeks ago; obviously it wasn’t. 

I was supposed to call a friend back weeks ago; I haven’t done it yet.  I was supposed to call a counselor in early March; that’s still on my to do list, too.

I imagine you have your own list of “should haves,” “supposed tos,” and “must dos,” just as I do.  So, why am I bringing it up?

Let me begin by telling you a little about this past week.  For spring break, I flew to Mexico with my family for the first time in my life.  I spent a week enjoying the beach, ocean waves, sunshine, and good food.  We explored Mayan ruins, swam in a cenote, and played in the ocean.  It was amazing, and I fell apart my third day there.  I knew the panic attack was coming; it had tried to surface the day we arrived.  I thought I was dealing with it; I guess I wasn’t.

Of all the symptoms I experience with depression and anxiety, I hate panic attacks the most.  They strip away the illusion that I am in control and that I really am ok.  They are incredibly humbling for me, not to mention how they wreck me mentally, emotionally, and physically.  The attacks harshly reinforce that I am not in control.  

Now, I’m not saying God gave me these attacks, or even my depression or anxiety.  You and I live in a fallen world where negative things happen all the time – including our bodies and minds working against who God created us to be.  We are not perfect, and we cannot delude ourselves into thinking we can fix everything ourselves.  It’s not our job.  Our job is to love the Lord our God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength.  

God’s job is to cause all things to glorify Himself, and in the doing, He will turn things to our good, too.  My panic attacks are not good; I won’t ever pretend that they are.  Depression and anxiety are awful to deal with on a daily basis.  But, God has mined gold from my weaknesses, insecurities, trials, and illness.  For the past 9 years, I have struggled with depression.  Some years have been better than others, but at other times I have to count time by months, weeks, and even days.  But, God has always been and will always be faithful and constant.  I realized in the last couple of years that I am more of who I’ve always wanted to be, and it’s all because of how God has used my experiences to shape me so I can honor and glorify Him more.  

As I sit here and write this post, I am still recovering from my last panic attack.  My thoughts are sluggish and tired.  My (figurative) heart hurts from the pain of my more negative thoughts.  And I still feel disappointed that after everything I have done, I still struggle with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks.

So, I’m here to remind myself and you that you have permission to be human.  You have permission to make mistakes and not be ok.  You have permission to not have it all together.  You have permission to need God.

The title of this post is repentance, a letting go and turning back.  So, while you are giving yourself permission to be human and need God, let go of your need to be in control, turn yourself back to God, and let Him be in charge.  He’s much better at turning everything to our good and His glory.  And praise Jesus, it’s not up to us.