Learning to see.
Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.
~Psalm 119:105 (NLT)
I can see precisely four inches in front of my face when I am not wearing contacts or glasses. It's rather annoying, actually. My sight started failing in the second grade, and what followed were regular visits to the eye doctor for my rapidly changing eyes. At their most rapid rate of change, I was getting a new prescription every 2-3 months. Once I finally hit my late teens and early 20s, my prescription changes slowed to once a year. Now that I am weeks away from 30, my prescription changes even less. My eye issues tend to revolve around allergies and eye strain rather than prescription changes at this point. At my regular eye appointments, my eye doctor and I frequently discuss how to make my contacts work even better.
Control and eyesight walk hand-in-hand for me. I tend to be ruthlessly organized, and I speculate that it is partly because of my vision. Everything needs a proper place so that I can find it should I be without either contacts or glasses. My poor eyesight has fed my deep-seated need for control as well. Plans, to-do lists, folders, organizing caddies – these are a few of my favorite things (sing along if you wish).
Control, though, is a double-edged sword. I see nothing wrong with making plans and being logically responsible for yourself, your possessions, and your environment. But there is another side to control that is over-bearing and perfectionistic. This side doesn't just struggle with flexibility; it is not allowed. Everything must be done in the proper order, and if it is not, it's wrong.
There is a problem here. We don’t see all the perspectives. We try to control every nuance of our lives and forget that we’re humans interacting with other humans in a broken world. Trying to control things doesn’t really work. So when things don't go as planned, we get angry or depressed or frustrated. We might yell, stomp, cuss, slam doors, or throw things. We get stressed out and anxious. We forget to offer grace to ourselves and others. We don't like facing our own weaknesses. (And just in case you were wondering, I have done all of those things at least once.)
The apostle Paul confronts this very issue in 2 Corinthians. The Corinthian church had been on a bit of a roller coaster ride but was finally on its way to repentance. In this letter to the Corinthians, Paul opens up about his own sufferings and says, “…I pleaded with the Lord three times that it would leave me. But he [God] said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness’” (2 Cor.12:8-9, CSB). Whatever Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” (12:7) was, it stayed. Paul concludes, “For when I am weak, then I am strong” (12:10b). I struggle with this statement as I tend to equate a lack of control as a weakness. Now, I'm not going to hash out the accuracy of that statement. I will say that it is often my perception.
However, I forget a few very important things. First, God says that His grace is sufficient for us (2 Cor. 12:9). Second, God reminds us that we walk by faith and not by sight (2 Cor. 5:7). Finally, His thoughts are not my thoughts; they are much higher than mine (Isa. 55:8-9).
I don't know God's plan, but I can trust that He has one. This really sticks a little for me. I want to see my way forward clearly. I don't want weird side trips or any backtracking. And I certainly don’t want any mistakes on my part messing everything up. My control-freak side has a field day with ceding control to God. I have to tackle this issue with prayer, grace, and God's Word. Psalm 119:105 is most apt in this situation, "Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path" (NLT). I know what it is not to see well literally, but I also know that I struggle with seeing my way forward in this life. I can hold to God’s promise to guide my steps and light my way forward. I can trust Him for grace when my control-freak side tries to take over. I can trust Him to know more about every situation that I do. And sometimes, my greatest act of faith is not a leap, but a single step forward trusting God to be my eyes and guide me onwards.
