I AM here.

…And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.

Matthew 28:20b (CSB)

Isolation.  Social distancing.  Oil prices tanking.  Cancer.  Layoffs.  Job hunting.  Pregnancy.

What do all of these have in common?  On the surface, not a lot.  Yet they are all experiences that I or my family members or my friends were experiencing at the same time.  Most of the time I was handling the overwhelming burden of emotion, until the day that I wasn’t.  I wanted to scream and sob and yell, “It’s not fair!”  

I had been telling myself, God has a plan and He can work all things for good.  I still believe this, but sometimes it’s really hard to see the good.  Often times I cannot see the good for many years, until looking back one day I realize how God used that particular trial in my life.  In the moment though, that’s when I want to yell, “It’s not fair!” 

When you consider Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s change curve, I am falling on stage 3 – Anger and Blame while edging into stage 4 – Bargaining and Self Blame.  I thought I was more on the upswing and in stage 6 – Acceptance or even stage 7 – Problem Solving, but perhaps I was just in Denial all along.  

I find myself being hyper-critical and saying things to myself like, “You are a horrible friend!  You haven’t even tried to see how so-and-so is doing!”  “How could you not think of them?  They are living through an incredibly heartbreaking situation!”  Then I find myself downplaying my own emotions or situation and saying things like, “You shouldn’t feel like that, so-and-so has it far worse.”  And the litany goes on with more damaging self-talk. 

Grace has been in short supply, and I desperately need Jesus.   My heart aches and the tears refuse to fall.  I can’t stand the pressure and the pain any longer.

But then, a still, small voice.  The Holy Spirit whispers, “I am here.”  That was all.  And it was everything.  I AM.  The Alpha and the Omega.  The Beginning and the End.  I am the same yesterday, today, and forever.  I am with you always, even until the end of the age.  I will never leave you nor forsake you. 

Our God is gracious and faithful, never failing in His love.  He gives us His presence and His constant in-dwelling Spirit.  We are never alone.  My questions aren’t answered.  The pain is still there.  But the unbearable pressure in my heart eases and light edges the darkness.  He is with us always, even to the end of the age.  The One who made the universe knows and cares and will redeem all things in the end, so I can have hope even now.